If, like me, you’ve been lucky enough to have flown with an airline that stocks the Sky Mall catalogue then you’ll know it’s brilliant. This is a magazine specially designed for people who have been sitting on an aeroplane for hours and have nothing to do. Why else would you buy anything from it? It’s overpriced and almost totally worthless. It does however make me laugh.

Here are the 10 most ridiculous Sky Mall items that I found in an issue on a Northwest flight home from Alabama last month.

10. The Relax ‘n’ Nap Pillow

Sky Mall tells us that this product “relieves tension on neck, back and shoulders and lets you sleep like a baby!”. It also helps you look like an idiot. But there’s more! The “patented ‘air portal’ ventilation system allows you to rest face down in comfort while breathing fresh clean air.”. Where are you sleeping? A forest? I can just imagine the muffled and inaudible pillow talk now. And it’ll only cost you $60! At prices like that you can’t afford not to look stupid.

9. Kitty Washroom Cabinet

Nothing will quite match the experience of letting house guests use the bathroom knowing that the cat may be in there at the same time. This kitty washroom is designed to go in your own washroom so that the cat can literally scare the crap out of you by appearing at random times during your bowel movements. A steal at just under $100.

8. Super Sized TV Remote

If you keep losing your remote down the side of the sofa then you know there’s only one solution: buy a remote that’s bigger than your children - you never lose them… right? This giant, and apparently extremely basic, remote can also be used as a small coffee table or for attacking burglars. Only $19.95.

7. 8-Day Auto Pet Feeder

Are you a pet owner? Fed up of having to put your pet into someone else’s care while you’re on holiday? Worry no more! The 8-day Auto Pet Feeder means that your dog can sit at home while you’re away and still eat a full meal every day. 8 compartments rotate on a timer to give your pet regular meals. I for one would feel perfectly happy to trust this obviously well manufactured device to dispense unfailingly every day. I also assume there are similar products that will give the animal love and attention for the week you’re away. And another to clean up your dog’s shit and piss daily too. I couldn’t find them on Sky Mall, but I assume they’re there somewhere. They must be or else Sky Mall is a reprehensible company with no regard for animal safety.

6. BOB The Screentime Controller

‘So what exactly is this?’, I hear you ask. Well BOB controls TVs, PCs and other electronic devices with an access code system. It is designed in the words of Sky Mall to be the “answer to the endless fight over screentime struggles in today’s home”. Each child has a code and the parents program in how long they can spend watching TV each day. Each child logs into the TV and after the time is up the TV automatically turns off. Handily, it also eliminates any last trace of discipline left in the household, as well as being so easy to circumvent that it’s laughable (just unplug it!). Parents, you’ll never have to interact with your children again. Only $80.

5. and 4. Pet Travel Systems

Unable to decide which of these two was funnier, I’ve included both. Whilst the dog’s facial expression in the red carrier cracks me up, the image of the little white dog being walked around the park in what is essentially a pram is also deeply disturbing. Best of all these things cost between $100 and $160, making them essentially a tax on idiotic, pampering pet owners.

3. Palette Mag-Titan Bracelet

According to Sky Mall “the Palette bands are made with pure Ti-22 Titanium. Titanium in its pure form has therapeutic power, due to its negative electrical potential, to draw out positive ions from the body.” Whoa, back up there a moment. Titanium is permanently and magically electrically charged?! Why all we need is a source of positive ions and we’d have a machine of infinite power! Surely this bracelet has been cursed by a wizard or warlock? What else could have prevented it from coming under the scrutiny of scientists for so many millennia?

Oh wait, it’s just bullshit. My mistake. $150 worth of bullshit though.

2. Cat Laser Beam Toy

Why not buy this and eventually blind your cat? Better yet, buy it for someone else and blind their cat. Brilliant! Only $19.99.

1. Day Clock

This is the ultimate in stupidity. Ever get confused and not know what day it is? Well not anymore! The Day Clock will always point to the day of the week. Its singular and very slowly moving hand takes one whole week to go around the face of the clock, always steadfastly ensuring that you know what day it is. If you can think of anyone who needs this clock, please report them to the authorities immediately. Oddly it is priced at $39.98, a rather complicated figure for such a ridiculously dumb target audience.

If you can find any other morbidly stupid items which are available at Sky Mall, I’d love to see them, please comment below.